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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26724352">A Royal Affair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird'>darlingdeathbird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Adventures In Wonderland (TV 1992)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fake Relationship, M/M, basic bitches, one-night stand, saucy hare, spite-dating</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:41:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,208</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26724352</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a wild night following her annual garden party, the Queen wakes up with Hatter in her bed and has to pretend like the whole thing was on purpose (and a lot more dignified). The Duchess also decides to stir up the press with her own unlikely romance.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hatter/Hare, Hatter/Queen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First I would just like to say that I hope it's not taken with offense that I don't ship this pair at all, and the whole reason why this fic exists is simply because a friend pitched the pair and I thought the idea of them having a romantic encounter was hilarious. A comedic goldmine, really. Destined for the best kind of failure. So that is what this is.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At the palace gates, there still lingered the boisterous chatter and jolly atmosphere of the garden party, from which the Queen had mysteriously departed. Rabbit was still sending off the last of the guests, reassuring them through his teeth that she'd probably just grown tired and excused herself to her chambers early, but of course she was </span>
  <span>
    <em>ever so </em>
  </span>
  <span>appreciative of their attendance on this lovely summer evening. Her guests took this as a good enough answer, and anyway, they were too busy carrying their shoes by the straps and trying to wobble out to their respective carriages, or what have you... The Queen had spent some of the night sponsoring a sparkling champagne that had been named after her, and needless to say, aristocrats didn't know the meaning of moderation. He sighed when he realized the mess behind him, then went rolling about, tossing trash and fallen decorations into a bin.<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Further and further away from the gates, however, the iridescent lights faded away, and a deep, dark, sultry night descended upon the royal garden, where some very suspect noises were being made. Just beneath the constant gurgle of the fountains, and ringing of the crickets, there was moaning... then much more surprised moaning, followed by voracious kissing... Kissing as if kissing were a competition. Then there was a shuffle and a thud, and both male and female burst into giggles, as if they were schoolgirls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, this is no good!" The Queen complained, without sounding bothered at all. She tugged at her companion's hand long enough to pull him up to his feet. "Come on! Get up!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if she were breaking into her own palace, she popped her head cautiously through the door and checked in both directions, finding nothing but what she wanted to see: dark and empty halls, with checkered floors filtered by moonlight. And so, she yanked whoever was lucky enough to be her beau on that night through the threshold, and a whole new round of lustful mischief began. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was a tall, highly structured gentleman, with wide shoulders, mile long legs, and hands running rampant across the Queen's curves. She didn't stop him. She'd gone ungrabbed long enough and had no one to talk to about it. Now, it was no time for talking at all. She had simply to hope that she was leading them somewhere suitable as they tripped in circles down an absurdly long corridor, the end of which she was about 89% positive housed a staircase that lead to her private quarters. A place Rabbit wasn't allowed unless she asked. I-It had a bed, also. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hit the heart-shaped pillows hard. Suddenly, he was naked. He might have been a little too enamored with her satin sheets for a second, which earned him a thwack right on the buns. The Queen wasn't afraid to tell a man exactly what to do, but he seemed to like that, and they got right down to business. So, so many of the positions. He was a younger man, with remarkable stamina. Who even knows how long coitus lasted. Two, three hours? The Queen couldn't keep her voice down. She was like those women using Pantene for the first time in the shower. Her partner matched her “yes, yes, YES”es with increasingly flamboyant wails, until he was more or less singing an orgasm into her ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he passed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was pretty trashed, still, but she vaguely thought he was pathetic and beautiful, lying there, face flushed, limp dick out, long legs tangled up in her sheets that he had so admired. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But... she was also hungry. So she called up Taco Bell, or whatever the equivalent in Wonderland, and had them deliver. They didn't do deliveries, and certainly not at two in the morning, but </span>
  <span>
    <em>she was the Queen</em>
  </span>
  <span>, so it happened. </span>
</p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>
  <span>The next morning, she awoke from a peaceful sleep, still smacking her lips thinking about the nachos she'd had, but the sound that had woken her was an incoming call through the intercom. She was quick to roll over towards her night stand and smash her finger down on the button: “Mmnfhhfhgh, </span>
  <span>
    <em>what </em>
  </span>
  <span>is it?”<br/>
“Good morning, your majestehh~... I was just calling to check up on you, y-you, you've slept in rather late and, and... uh... I wanted to make sure you weren't sick,” her placating Rabbit tried. Although she knew he meant well, the cloud of irritation surrounding her was too thick to process these sort of sentiments.<br/>
“No, I'm not sick! I've just had a busy night and needed my alone time!” Rabbit was always smelling inconsistencies, and the silence that followed made her worried she'd thrown away her burrito wrapper into the wrong trashcan. </span>
</p><p><span><br/>
“Uhhh, yyyyyes...” He finally answered, at the same time that some weight shifted on the other side of the Queen's mattress. She had totally forgotten that she wasn't the only one in that bed. “Shall I bring breakfast up to your bedroom?”<br/>
“Uhhh, uhhh... Yes, but leave it at the door. Uhhh, I'm not decent!”<br/>
“Certainly. Oh! There's just one teeny, tiny little problem: I've used up all the muffin mix. Would you like me to make pancakes instead? I could sprrrinkle some fresh berries on top!” She was hesitating, but she finally ripped off the bandaid and looked over her shoulder. The utterance she made must have alarmed him, because Rabbit could clearly be heard tripping and scrambling. “O-or I could run straight to the store!” The Queen's mouth hung open before her words returned to her.<br/>
“W-w-w-whhyy-y--you bet your bunny </span><span><em>ass</em></span><span>, I want you to run to the store! I want my muffins, god damnit!”<br/>
<br/>
She lifted her finger from the button and heaved a little, then whipped around as her bed-mate started murmuring to himself, seemingly roused by the prospect of muffins. Blond and sunkissed, obtuse and fresh-faced, stretching the whole length of her mattress, and still buck-naked... was Hatter. When he tried to open his eyes, he squinted so hard it looked like he just had one, big fuzzy unibrow. “W-where am I?” He wondered as he propped himself up and pinched the bridge of his nose.<br/>
<br/>
Maybe if she just pushed him out the window before he got a good look at her, he'd never have to know he was here. Nevermind, they were on the third floor. Maybe she could pretend he'd really outdone himself the previous night and needed a place to crash. But in the Queen's own bed? She herself was in a red, lacy negligee for some reason (and she must have put it on </span><span><em>after </em></span><span>the Taco Bell?) Well, she'd been thinking for too long, and Hatter was just getting more and more confused, </span><span><em>and</em></span><span> he was starting to notice that she was the Queen... so she decided to be upfront about the matter.<br/>
<br/>
“Hatter? Hatter. Look at me. You're at the palace.”<br/>
<br/>
“Your Majesty?!” Suddenly his eyes were wide open and he shot to his knees in front of her, making the bed squeak. “Oooof,” he moaned, recoiling, stricken with pain in his head. She threw a heart-shaped pillow over his crotch and sighed raggedly.<br/>
<br/>
“Yesss, </span><span><em>it's me.” </em></span><span>Her voice was unusually low, perhaps ashamed. “We may have had a few too many drinks last night.”<br/>
<br/>
“Oh, no, that can't be! I had like, two Bahama Mamas. A schnapp or two. Maybe a One Night Stand.”<br/>
“Oh, you definitely had that.”<br/>
“Huh?”<br/>
“We had sex, you fool!”<br/>
“Haha, no, we didn't!” The Hatter smiled as if there was nothing truer.<br/>
<br/>
“Haven't you noticed you're </span><span><em><span class="u">naked</span></em></span><span><em>?!</em></span><span>” After the Queen bellowed this question, he had to take a moment to decide how he would investigate it. She buried her face in her hands as he began to pat himself, with eyes exploring the floor of the room, where tailcoats and bloomers were strewn about. Just to make absolutely sure, he checked under the pillow the Queen had thrown on him.<br/>
<br/>
“So I </span><span><em>am!</em></span><span>” He finally declared. “Actually, I </span><span><em>do </em></span><span>remember having sex last night.” She rolled her eyes. </span><span><em>Thank God we used condoms,</em></span><span> she thought. When she looked up, Hatter had gone from cradling his forehead to wiggling his eyebrow and ever so subtley nodding at her. She scrunched up her face.<br/>
<br/>
“What? What is </span><span><em>that</em></span><span> supposed to mean?”<br/>
<br/>
“Nothing bad,” he said cooly. She gathered up all the blankets around herself and scowled at him.<br/>
<br/>
“Hatter, don't get the wrong idea about this!” She told him, more than just a little sternly. “It was never supposed to happen, and it will never happen again! You hear me?! It was a mistake!” Hatter just shrugged.<br/>
<br/>
“If you say so.”<br/>
<br/>
“OOOOGH! Don't you </span><span><em>darrrrre</em></span><span> get like that with me!” As she hovered over him with the blankets wrapped around her, he leaned back, holding the throw pillow in place over his crotch.<br/>
“Like what, Your Majesty?” He asked, trying not to seem nervous.<br/>
“Like you're some kind of commodity around here! Like I never have a man between these sheets!”<br/>
<br/>
“Wahh, I would </span><span><em>never</em></span><span> think that! ...Especially after last night.” This perked up her ears. “I thought you had a boyfriend in every kingdom, actually... To think, you picked me.”<br/>
“I did </span><span><em>not</em></span><span> pick you. And this is not</span> <span>a </span><span><em><b>thing</b></em></span><span>! It just </span><span><em>happened! </em></span><span>You hear me?” He nodded, but looked awfully sad as he did so, and she was suddenly terrified that he might have been in love with her or something.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, I guess I'd better get home...” She was feeling a little bit guilty that she'd been so cut and dry with him, but then he flung the pillow over his shoulder and stood up to gather his clothes, then bent right over in front of her. “Hey, this is a nice place you got here. What magnificant carpet!” And then he was petting the sea of plush maroon past the foot of her bed with all of the Hatter family jewels on display. She crossed her arms and fell on her back, just waiting for him to get his shit together and leave, when he asked the dreaded question: “Hey, uhh... have you seen my hat?” </span></p><p>
  <span>She sat up and scanned the room. It wasn't hung up; it didn't seem to have rolled anywhere. “When was the last time you wore it?” She asked him.<br/>
“I wore it at the garden party last night. Remember?!”<br/>
“Oh shit.”<br/>
Hatter cocked his brow. “What?”<br/>
<br/>
“OHHHH, shit!” The Queen repeated, shooting out of bed. Hatter had extended his hands trying to gauge what she was “oh shit”ing about, but cocked his brow yet again, this time in a suggestive way, until she remembered what she was wearing. As she stomped over to her dresser to swoop up her robe, she explained it to him. “Remember when we were fooling around in the garden?! I bet it's out there! Oh, thank heavens I've sent Rabbit out on an errand – you can go and get it before he comes back! But only if you hurry!”<br/>
<br/>
“Uhhh, right!” Well, that was that, the Queen thought, and she shuffled the Hatter towards her door and would have kicked him out right on the spot if he hadn't thrown his arms across the frame and twisted around to deliver her a toothy smile. Then he closed his eyes, leaned forward and puckered his lips.<br/>
<br/>
“What the hell?!” Again, Hatter shrugged. “Hatter, I'm </span>
  <span>
    <em>serious</em>
  </span>
  <span>. Go and find your hat and go home. And if you tell anyone about this--”<br/>
“Oh pshhh. Listen, I won't tell anyone if you won't tell anyone,” he suggested, flipping his wrists.<br/>
“Why would </span>
  <span>
    <em>I</em>
  </span>
  <span> tell anyone?” Hatter was thinking of some reasons in his head without saying them, which was dwindling the Queen's patience exponentially. “Oh, alright! I won't tell anyone! </span>
  <span>
    <em>
      <b>Believe</b>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span> me!” She shouted. He seemed to be perversely animated by the air flushing into his face as she stood just inches from him. He raised a finger just in front of her nose.<br/>
<br/>
“Pinky-swear?”</span>
</p><p>Then the Queen slammed the door in front of his.</p><p><br/>
&amp; &amp; &amp;</p><p>
  <span> Hatter was totally and completely out of breath, but he was finally far enough away from the palace to slow his frantic pace. What an action-packed day this was turning out to be! Some sort of Don Juan de Marco riff really should have been playing while he dashed through the palace's unfamiliar corridors, past kitchens, conversatories, and servant quarters. He swore he'd seen an indoor pool. Then finally he spied the garden glowing in sunlight beyond a row of tall tinted windows. Lord, was it a bright day. He really had to pull it together with this Bahama Mama migraine he had, while he was sprinting past bushes shaped like hearts, trying not to trip on stained glass orbs that were poking out of the dirt in strategic places amongst the pansies. Bright, and an eye-sore, it was. It looked like Valentine's Day in outer space out here. He could have decorated it better, he thought.<br/>
<br/>
Finally, he found the nook where he and the Queen had been canoodling, and sure enough his hat was right there. It must have fallen off his head when she playfully pushed him off the fountain bench. With a shimmy and a pat, it was back on his head.<br/>
<br/>
That was when he saw Rabbit, in a window, and he had been running ever since. It had sort of appeared that the bunny had double-taken and then completely stopped what he was doing to stare with abandon at Hatter... but there's no way he'd actually seen him, the Hatter reasoned. He was too young, too fast, and too expert a lover to get caught. Right? Right.<br/>
<br/>
Well anyway, his head was hurting like a motherfucker by then, so he decided to ignore the ten voice messages that were probably from Hare that had built up on his answering machine. He was still shocked that a couple of girly drinks had made him so shit-faced, and he didn't know what to do about it besides max dose on all his pain meds in his medicine cabinet, chug down half a jug of apple juice, and hit the pillow.<br/>
<br/>
Eventually, Hare was standing next to his bed in the dark, tossing his unplugged answering machine at him. “WAHH WAHH WAHHHHHT?” Was Hatter's way of greeting him. Hare just crossed his arms.<br/>
“Hatter, have you been drinking?”<br/>
“Of course not!” He answered in an indignant sort of whine. “Why would you think thattt?”<br/>
“Well I vaguely remember you at the bar last night at the Queen's party...”<br/>
“Yeah, well, well I-I saw you at the bar last night too. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Hm?!</em>
  </span>
  <span> What was </span>
  <span>
    <em>that</em>
  </span>
  <span> about?”<br/>
<br/>
“I was there asking if you wanted to leave early and watch a movie at my place, with the Tweedles! Don't you remember?!” Hatter had been curling up around his pillow and sort of lifting his leg, like he might nudge Hare away with a single toe, so Hare went to yank the curtain string and submerge him with that dreaded light. After the Hatter just laid there instinctively shielding himself and groaning, Hare came back to plop onto the mattress and give his back a good, heavy-handed rub.<br/>
<br/>
Unfortunately, their proximity was enough to rouse the bunny's other senses. Hatter was alarmed when the tips of Hare's whiskers tickled the back of his neck.<br/>
“You smell like perfume,” Hare told him. Hatter's mouth fell open. “And I don't mean like Ma would wear, it-...” he took another whiff, suddenly rather baffled, “actually, it smells a lot like the Queen.” Without the rest of him moving an inch, Hatter's eyes grew two sizes. “What?” He closed his mouth. Then, while he was thinking about it, his lips spread into a ginormously flat grin, and his eyes began to dart around the room. “What?” Hare asked again. This was starting to irritate him.<br/>
<br/>
I mean, it was Hare that was questioning him, and anyway, she </span>
  <span>
    <em>hadn't </em>
  </span>
  <span>pinky-swore. So he told him exactly what happened. Or... exactly what happened, to the best of his knowledge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> It was absolute theatre, on Hare's end. Every kernel of this story had his face contorting into a new expression. He couldn't keep his hands from tenting over his nose, or bunching up Hatter's shirt, or slapping over his own pounding heart. Finally, it was Hatter up and pacing, and Hare sprawled out in bed with his mouth wide open.<br/>
“So, you see, I'm in a real dilemma, here. Once a lady goes Hatter, I mean, they </span>
  <span>
    <em>say</em>
  </span>
  <span> they can go back, but... And she certainly </span>
  <span>
    <em>insisted </em>
  </span>
  <span>she could go back, but...” Hatter sighed to himself, unaware that Hare really didn't seem to be catching a word of it anymore. “She's probably thinking about me right now.” After a particularly long moment rubbing his chin and lamenting the price he must pay for being so desirable, he turned around and found Hare in the same position he had seen him in about five minutes ago. “Hare? Hare, buddy?” As if this was the first time he had blinked in a while, Hare did a whole mess of it before he propped himself up and looked at Hatter dead in the eye, kind of bobbing his head as if he was about to say something so matter-of-fact no one should be surprised.<br/>
<br/>
“So let me get this straight. You seduced the Queen and you just don't even care? You know I would give my left nut to be in your position, and I am </span>
  <span>
    <em>all kinds of fruit loop</em>
  </span>
  <span>.”<br/>
“You </span>
  <span>
    <em>are. </em>
  </span>
  <span>What even </span>
  <span>
    <em>is it</em>
  </span>
  <span> with you and the Queen?” The Hatter squished up his lips and tilted his head, truly mystified by Hare's seeming obsession for this woman. He shrugged.<br/>
“She's everything I wanna be. You just told me the sex was great, and I know </span>
  <span>
    <em>I've</em>
  </span>
  <span> never heard that.”<br/>
“You're </span>
  <span>
    <em>okay!</em>
  </span>
  <span>”<br/>
<br/>
“I was NERVOUS,” Hare screeched, sending both his flopping ears for a tilt. Painfully aware that he was digressing, he swished his hands and continued. “Are you even going to </span>
  <span>
    <em>call </em>
  </span>
  <span>her?” Judging by the painfully long amount of time he paused, Hatter hadn't even thought about it. “Oh, Hatter!”<br/>
<br/>
“Well what are we even supposed to talk about?!”<br/>
<br/>
“Anything! Talk about how amazing her garden is. Ask what happened on the latest episode of </span>
  <span>
    <em>As the Palace Turns</em>
  </span>
  <span>.” Hatter sort of nodded uncomfortably. “Tell her about your feelings.” It was a hard nope on that one.<br/>
<br/>
“It's pretty clear only one of us grew up around women.” Hare scooted himself to the edge of the bed and laced his fingers between his knees.<br/>
<br/>
“Well maybe don't treat her as a woman... treat her as a person,” he suggested.<br/>
<br/>
“Hare...” Hatter started, looking at him like he was quite confused. “</span>
  <span>
    <em>She's the queen</em>
  </span>
  <span>.” Suddenly Hare frowned, as this was a very good point that had slipped his mind for just a second. “Probably the only thing worth telling her is she's a sex goddess too. Pfffffff!!!”<br/>
<br/>
Hatter laughed and laughed, while Hare just sat stiff as a board on the bed. “God, I'm hungry,” he said, followed by more laughter. He threw on his pants and hopped downstairs, not a care in the world. Finally, Hare got up and shouted down the stairwell:<br/>
<br/>
“Fine! Call her and tell her that! See if I care!”<br/>
<br/>
“I just miiiiiiiiiight!” Hatter answered back in a sing-song voice. “Wanna stay for muffins? I'm in the mood for muffins.”<br/>
<br/>
“Nooooo, I've got </span>
  <span>
    <em>things</em>
  </span>
  <span> to do today, I was just </span>
  <span>
    <em>checking</em>
  </span>
  <span> on you,” Hare told him as he breezed past the doorway to the kitchen, where Hatter was already wearing an apron and taking out his mixing bowls.<br/>
<br/>
“A-a-alright, well, if you don't mind,” he sort of stopped and thought he might have heard the “OUT” door slamming, “plugging my answering machine back in... Don't wanna miss any... calls--- ahhh, righty-roo. I'll just do that myself.”<br/>
<br/>
And so, he carried on obliviously, figuring Hare's petty spell of jealousy would run its course by sunset. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>How does Hatter know about Sia's "Chandelier" song, I don't know. He just does.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been about a week since the Queen had woken up in her own bed with the Hatter, and she felt like she was more or less in the clear... except for the fact that she had to be hounding the Rabbit at all times about setting up a state-of-the-art security system. I mean she really had to lay it on thick how concerned she was that he had seen Hatter in her garden the other day and what a shock that was, and how she had no idea what he was doing there. Just to make a thorough point of it she had even called up the Hatter to yell at him, and couldn't even find a moment when Rabbit wasn't listening to tell him that it was all just a front... so he must have thought she was losing her mind or something, but whatever. She kind of preferred that to him thinking that she wanted him to show up again and seduce her.</p><p>It seemed to be working, or so she thought. That is, until the Tweedles arrived at the palace, trying their best not to look like they were sniffing around.</p><p>With a basket of freshly cut roses, she stood beside the Rabbit and scrutinized him as he set up a camera in the far corner of the courtyard. All the while, he wobbled around on a stool that was too small for his big fluffy bunny feet. The exact moment that Dee cocked his eyebrow about this, she gave him a terribly squinty look of disdain. <br/><br/>“Hi, your Majesty,” Dum tentatively greeted her, before things got too awkward. Little did he know, the language of judgment was already free-flowing between her and Tweedle Dee, who were fluent in it. The Queen ignored him and cut right to the chase.<br/><br/>“Can I help you two?!” <br/><br/>“Oh we were just stopping by,” Dum answered for both he and his brother innocently. Even Rabbit turned around for this one, just about to tip off of that stool and land right on top of her when he saw how apparent it was that they were <em>not</em> just stopping by...<br/><br/>“Stopping by to what?” The Queen asked directly at Tweedle Dee, who cocked his brow again and finally cleared his throat.<br/>“Well truth be told, your Majesty, we were wondering if you could answer some questions about the garden party.”<br/>“The garden party?” Suddenly her Majesty looked like she was going to break out into a sweat. “What do you want to know?!”<br/>The Tweedles looked to each other, as her paranoia was not lost on them at all. The last thing they wanted to do was spook her out of an interview before it had even begun.<br/>“Well, that was some sweet champagne you sponsored. How did it go?” Dum pretended to wonder.<br/>“Uh, yeah. Did the guests like it?” Dee chimed in.<br/><br/>The Queen frowned to herself most deeply, as she could not remember a single thing about the champagne besides that she had had several glasses of it before she was getting some sugar behind the bushes. Rabbit for some reason was very interested in what her answer might be and had tuned in only to see a look on her face of an intensely sensual memory replaying in her head. The fact that she was now so embarrassed, for no reason that he could imagine, had sincerely piqued the Rabbit's interest. <br/><br/>“Uhhh, uhhh, I don't remember the champagne so well,” she answered, with her breath beginning to shift unevenly between her words. <br/><br/>“You don't?” Dum asked.<br/><br/>“Well, of course not, I was too busy hosting a party to have more than- than, to have more than a sip of it, really!” The Tweedles couldn't help but glance at each other in a way that alerted her that they had a very different memory of the night. Rabbit must have, too, because he wouldn't stop darting his eyes around when she looked to him for some sort of validation. “Nope, didn't drink it! Next question?!”<br/><br/>Dum resolved to scribble her answer into a notebook as Dee came up with something else. “Uhhh, oh, I've got a good one: who was your most exciting guest, who brought the most sensation to the party?!” The Queen snapped herself out of her thoughts and had to think about it. <br/><br/>In the end, she was just pulling stuff out of her ass: “probably the King of Diamonds! He always has a ton of stories to tell about the shit he does,” she answered, waving her newly manicured hand and taking a sniff of her roses complacently.<br/><br/>“I thought the King of Diamonds couldn't make it to this one,” Dee interrupted, causing the Queen's eyes to bulge.<br/><br/>“Yes well he made a pit stop. You just didn't notice,” she told him, managing to sound as sure as ever about this. Truthfully, she probably hadn't seen him in like two years, and listening to his exciting stories always made her feel self-conscious about her own life. In fact, it was for that exact reason that she <em>hadn't</em> invited him, because she wanted to seem more interesting than anybody else. <br/><br/>Something told her she was getting her wish right now but for the wrong reasons...</p><p>The Tweedles were jotting down some notes and whispering to each other. She sure as hell hoped they weren't going to fact check. Once again, Tweedle Dee cleared his throat, which was quickly getting on her nerves.<br/><br/>“Some of the guests noticed that you left the party early. Royal business?”</p><p>Rabbit was definitely interested in this one. In fact he was leaning so far off the stool by now that the Queen was supporting him. It took a brush of his fuzzy shoulder against the Queen's curls for her to realize it and jump away from him, which sent him with a thwack to the ground. She crossed her arms and glared at all three of them, as if even Rabbit was being a pest by now.<br/><br/>“I'll have you know that party ran very late that night, and I had a million things to do the next day.” Even splayed out on the ground in front of them, Rabbit still made room to look incredulous. “Rabbit, don't you have something else to do around here??!” He thought about it a moment before he dusted off his fanny and scurried away to find a feather duster or some shit. The Queen tapped her foot and checked her nails the entire time. Had to make sure she was still in control of something around here. However, when she glanced at her interrogators – er, interviewers – she could see that Dum was whispering into Dee's ear again, who was hesitant to push for what was clearly on their minds. Although, he saw that he had better do it soon before the Queen got so impatient that she dumped her entire basket of roses over their heads. <br/><br/>“Rumor has it a special man is in your life, your Majesty... Someone who was invited to the garden party.” Tweedle Dee wiggled his eyebrows while Dum chimed in:<br/><br/>“Care to address these rumors?” The Queen's mouth rolled down her face like the parchment of one of her wordy proclamations. “Put them to rest, I mean?!” <br/><br/>“Oh, I'll put them to rest... once I know where they started!!!” Everything on the Tweedles; faces suggested they knew the exact origin, which brought her shadow upon them before they could so much as stutter their way out of this one.<br/><br/>“Please don't kill us,” Dum begged. <br/>“We're just the Press, your Majesty! We're here to get the story right!”<br/>“You didn't give two shits about the champagne or the guests, did you?!”<br/>“Well not really,” Dum admitted, earning him a slap on the arm from his brother. <br/><br/>“Well, an article really does need more material than just your love life," Dee explained, realizing only a second later that the logistics of it were just setting her ire further ablaze. <br/><br/>“Plus we wanted to pad it with something so you wouldn't think that we were just being nosy," Dum finished for him. Obviously, he did not have the same realization.</p><p>The Queen clamped her lips together and puffed up her chest just inches from Dum's face before she asked the damning question:<br/>“Who told you I was seeing someone?”<br/><br/>“Well he didn't say it, really, it was more like he implied that-”<br/><br/>“-It was the Hatter,” Dee tossed out as he clutched his brother's shoulders and tipped him back into his chest protectively. <br/><br/>There was a big O on the Queen's face now, like she had walked outside naked or something. Whatever these two knew about their commingling had turned her tomato red. She swiped up the notepad from Dum's hands and started ripping out the pages of notes from the interview, turning them all into confetti before their eyes. The Tweedles did not protest this at all, as they were just grateful that it was not they themselves who were turning into confetti. <br/><br/>“This interview never happened,” she told them.<br/><br/>“But-”<br/><br/>“It never happened!” She bellowed, swooping up her dress and turning towards the palace. She was out of sight before they knew it. In fact, The Tweedles were sure they had never seen her move so fast.</p><p>&amp; &amp; &amp;<br/><br/></p><p>He wasn't really sure why, but Hatter had noticed long, long ago that he could sing magnificently better when he was in his boxers on the back porch, hanging his laundry. It was a time that he looked forward to: his own personal Hatter time, if you will. Not a soul dared to disturb him. If he wanted to hip-rock all around the clothes-line and try out some high-notes that he wasn't sure if he could hit, this was the time and place. Yes, it was.</p><p>With the sun splashing down on him and glowing through the bed sheets, he dug through his basket, clipped up this or that, then took a moment to belt his heart out.</p><p>“I'MMMMMMM~~~ GONNA SWIIIIIIING~~~~from the CHANDEL<span class="u"><b>IEEEE</b></span>R!!! From the CHANDEL<span class="u"><b>IEEEEEEEE-HEEEEE</b></span>R!!!”</p><p>As he whipped around and threw his arms in the air, he caught a ruffled and lop-sided Lorraine Quiche huffing and puffing at the back gate. He cleared his throat, but one tiny last “eeee” slipped out. Then before he knew it, this dark, classy vixen was charging at him like a bull.</p><p>“What is the <em>matter </em>with you?!” The Queen didn't even attempt to raise her voice into a meek little squeak as she balled the Hatter's undershirt into her fists and straightened like a board on her tip-toes into his face.</p><p>“Uhh, uhh, uhh—phshh, well, you know. That really <em>is</em> a loaded question,” Hatter answered, to the most bulging eyes he had ever seen.</p><p>“Well you sure have been giving some <em>loaded </em>answers about what went on at the garden party!”</p><p>Hatter's lips rounded up into a circle and quivered at such an accusation.</p><p>“Ww-wwhat do you mean? I never told anyone what happened!” Just as he said it, he incriminated himself by putting his hand behind his back, which sent the Queen darting left and right. In her desperation, she rather resembled a chicken, fervently pecking for seed.</p><p>“Are you crossing your fingers behind your back?!”</p><p>“NOOooo! NOoo!” Hatter assured, putting his other hand behind him.</p><p>“OHHHH, I can't <em>believe </em>this! <em>You</em> asked me to pinky-swear!” By now they were trip-tangoing all the way back to a shaded part of Hatter's porch while the Queen jabbed his chest with her finger.<br/><br/>“I <em>did</em>, and you <em>decliiined~!</em>” He tried to remind her, in a nervously sing-song voice, as if this might absolve him of any blame.</p><p>“I <em>asked </em>you to keep this under your hat! Do you think this is a joke?!”</p><p>Hatter had to spit out some of the feather that had been drooping out of her hat into his face before he answered: “well, hehhh, I mean, it <em>is </em>pretty--” and he finally gave the feather a good swat, only to find that her Majesty looked like she was maybe just one word away from strangling him.</p><p>“Pretty what?!”<br/><br/>You could see all of the wrong words churning through the Hatter's mind that he wouldn't dare say, like a slot machine that he was afraid to pull.</p><p>“<em><b>So it's true!” </b></em>They both heard, before their eyes were assaulted by a disorienting slew of flashes. For a brief reprieve, they were able to see Dum cartwheeling up to the porch steps to get a better view.</p><p>“Oh my gosh! She couldn't even keep herself away!”</p><p>There they were: the Queen with her skirt all twisted and her hat tipped sideways, and Hatter with muffin patterned boxer shorts fluttering over his butt-cheeks in the breeze. The Queen also realized that in her state of alarm she had drawn herself up even closer to him, and he had maybe perhaps slapped his hand around her back. They looked to each other with gaping frowns. Even Hatter didn't like the idea of people on his back porch without being invited.</p><p>“Hatter! What do you have to say for yourself?!” A whole lot of sputtering was all they got back from him.</p><p>“Your Majesty! Have you really been having an affair with the Hatter?!”</p><p>She had to think on her toes! These two believed they had caught them in a scandal, and a scandal just <em>would not do</em>!</p><p>Her attention darted helplessly between the three... then she made her decision and never looked back. The Tweedles got a perfect shot of her squeezing the Hatter's cheeks in her hands with her tongue crammed in his mouth. In her head she was counting down how many seconds would seem convincing enough before she ejected herself from his oddly satisfying embrace and straightened her hat. “This is no affair,” she said, all breathily. “The Hatter and I are engaged in a perfectly consensual... arrangement!... which we came to, uhh, uh-reasonably, strategically, soberly...!”</p><p>“Very soberly,” the Hatter stressed from behind her, though he had gone back to putting his hands behind his back. She rolled her eyes.</p><p>“And not a lick of it was <em>any of your business. </em>You should be ASHAMED. What kind of journalism is this?!”</p><p>“The regular kind?” Dum guessed. Dee was half-way to concurring but was just too amazed that this entire thing was even happening, so he just smiled with his hand (very poorly) hiding it.</p><p>“Nonsense! The Hatter isn't even decent! You think he wants a picture of those scrawny little legs circulating all over Wonderland?! I thought this was a family newspaper!”</p><p>Everyone blinked. And then Hatter looked down to his legs, not quite convinced that they were <em>that </em>obscene.</p><p>“She <em>has </em>a point...” Dee realized. “But wait a minute. If this isn't an affair, then why were you going to such lengths to hide it from us?!” The Queen crossed her arms and huffed, hooking at Hatter like the truly pathetic creature that she thought he was.</p><p>“Because! Poor Hatter here has no idea about the lives of the rich and famous! You think he knows how to comport himself in public?!” Hatter squished up his lips and decided to participate in this shenanigan as best as he knew how:</p><p>“I've already told her, I don't care about any of the customs! I'm ready to shout our love from the roof-tops!”</p><p>Everyone just stared at him for a second as he swept his arms up into the air and wiggled his eyebrows.</p><p>“Shut up, Hatter,” the Queen told him. He promptly cleared his throat and drooped back down like a dog that had been told not to jump on guests.</p><p>“Well, I won't print the story, but...” Dee started.</p><p>“You're damn fucking right, you won't,” she told him, before her ire dissolved into a sigh. “Look, you can come back for a proper story at the palace once we've got one-- ehhh. I mean, once we decide what to share with the public. Jesus Christ would you <em>get that camera out of my face</em>!” Dum had been eye-balling her outfit like it needed its own article before he and his brother knew they had better get out of the way. “Hatter, as you were!” The Queen whipped around and shouted at him. He was about to follow orders before she took a few steps towards the porch steps and realized that none of her behavior had been very loverly.</p><p>Very slowly, she turned on her heel. “Uhhhh, I mean, tata~... my dear.” All she could stomach was blowing a kiss, which Hatter apparently felt on his cheek and tapped bashfully with his fingers. But it was clearly the most awkward thing he had ever done.</p><p>Now that the Tweedles were caught right in the middle of it, they were having all sorts of uncomfortable feelings, so they sort of just squinted and waved at Hatter before jumping the gate. He himself wished he could jump and leave, but he remembered it was his own house, and he still did not have pants on.</p>
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